Timing is everything, Neshama
by Eileen Stardust
Summary: She really had nowhere to go, now that the mission was over. Henry was dead, and her broken heart was proof enough for her that she might follow shortly. Well, officially, she was already dead. And she wasn't even thinking about Caulder and the very public shoot out. She was dead the minute this all started, since she sat across Wilcox at that damned dinner, and opened that file.
1. Timing is everything

**A/N: This was in the back of my mind for some time now. Although I'm a die hard Auggie fan, someone had to show us what had happened those four months before any got back from the cold. So I tried. Not sure if this is going to be a one shot or not, but it's short. Some of the dialogue is from the show, the rest of it is mine. Sadly, I don't own Covert Affairs. If I did, it would still be on. Enjoy. :)**

* * *

 _"Why don't you join me and find out?"_ Eyal said, that sly smile on his face.

 _"The last time a guy asked me to run away with him, it didn't end very well."_ Annie answered, unable to avoid thinking about Simon, about all that she and Eyal went through since then. _"Besides, I need to get home, put down some roots."_

 _"For now,"_ It was Eyal's time to seem hopeful. His smile a lot more sincere now. _"Timing is everything, Neshama," he continued, "But one day, you and I will be sitting somewhere, looking at the sun set, thinking nothing at all. Maybe not this boat in Greece, but one day. And that will be a lovely evening!"_

Annie ran that speech over and over in her head, a million times. A little to avoid thinking about Auggie, because, well, her heart was already broken, and thinking of him was like keeping that dull knife right in the middle of it. It was over, and it was better like that. He would be better without her. She sighted, and thought about that boat in Greece again. The latest intel she got placed him in Israel, but still, she thought about Greece.

She really had nowhere to go, now that the mission was over. Henry was dead, and her broken heart was proof enough for her that she might follow shortly. Well, officially, she was already dead. And she wasn't even thinking about Caulder and the very public shoot out. She was dead the minute this all started, since she sat across Wilcox at that damned dinner, and opened that file. Since she went dark. At least a heart attack was better than getting two shots to the chest in an elevator, right? Who was she trying to kid; death was death, it didn't really matter how you die.

Again, her thought strayed, and came back to Auggie. She knew she could never go back to him. She loved him, maybe more than she loved herself. She really loved him, but too much has happened and she was too damaged. She wasn't even capable of using the present tense, of saying she still loves him. She must let it in the past, otherwise her already broken heart would break even more.

There was only one person she could count on right now, who was as damaged as she was. Who have lost a lot, gave up a lot for his agency, for his country. He didn't lose his sight, but he lost his family, his wife, his chance of a normal life. Maybe she could offer him something. Not herself, because she didn't think that there was much of her to offer, but she could give him a couple of days.

She was exhausted and it was going to be a long flight to Israel, and she convinced herself it would be worth it. After all, everything looks better in Israel. She might not love him, but maybe he'd love her enough for both of them. _"Timing is everything, Neshamá"_. She heard his voice inside her head again. Maybe he was right; maybe they will finally get to that beautiful sunset. She only hoped he's settle for what was left of her.

Besides, Eyal's medical background could help her right now. He would know how to get her help though back channels, off the books. Because that heart disease could not be mentioned in her file. He would help her, because he loved her. She was sure he loved her. They've saved each other so many times, maybe he could save her again. And this time she was not thinking solely about her heart, in the physical sense. Maybe he'd be able to heal her, the way she hoped Auggie could, a small voice in her head tried to tell her, and was properly squashed. She was not going to think about Auggie anymore. She concentrated on finding Eyal.

She poured herself into tons of information, maps, off-the-books reports. Finding him would be the hardest part, especially if he was telling the truth about leaving Mossad, at least on record. He was too much like her to really quit, he'd always have strings there.

Two weeks later, she was able to find his safe-house, and after a couple of days, she managed to get inside. She was waiting for him to check-in, which she noticed he did everyday, to make her presence known. Her heart was almost coming out of her chest, from nervousness. Here she was, yet again, going to him for help, and afraid this time he would deny her. God knows how much trouble she got him into in the brief 4 years they've met. Yet, he never disappointed her. _"Maybe not this boat in Greece, but one day. And it would be a lovely evening."_ Well, she couldn't be furthest from a boat in Greece than where she was right now. It was not here first time in Israel, nor her first time with him in Israel, but she had high hopes for the next couple of weeks.

She heard the keys in the door, and took a deep breath to steady her. Eyal came inside, placed this keys and wallet in the side table, by the door, and froze. She may be different, dark hair, mirroring her spirits, her soul, but he would recognize her anyway. He slowly turned around, not really believing she was in Israel, not to mention inside his apartment. His _safe_ apartment. Well, from the looks of it, not that safe. He'd need to find another safe house soon.

He drank her in, the new colors, the new posture, the same beautiful eyes, even if they had lost their innocence. He could feel the sadness and the emptiness emanating from her, even from afar. But she was here, in his house, within reach.

The surprise must have showed on his face, because she smiled and graced him with his own words from a couple of years ago. "Sorry to drop in unannounced. I didn't have your phone number." She said, remembering his line from when he rescued her from that Russian prison. She allowed a minute for him to really look at her, to drink her in, and when she saw the smile reaching his eyes, and she continued: "You weren't doing anything today, were you?"

Eyal took a couple of steps in her direction, but stopped half way, keeping some distance. "I distinctly remember a promise of a lovely evening, seeing the sun set. I think you're a bit late, Neshamá." He answered, trying to temper his heart. He wanted to pull her into his arms, but decided to let her lead. He didn't want to override any boundaries. He learned too early where her heart lies, and even if she's here right now, she would never be completely his. He knew that. And heaven help him, because this time he would allow him to be selfish, and keep her with him. He had lost her to other men too many times.

They stood like that, just looking at each other, weighting words and reactions, formulating plans for a while. Annie gathered her courage, took a deep breath, and jumped head first.

"I need your help, Eyal." She whispered, hoping he would not turn her away.

"I'm yours, Annie." He said, losing the internal battle, and closing the distance between them. He engulfed her in a tight hug, kissed her crown, and repeated softly in between sweet kisses on her hair, her forehead. "I've always been yours".

He didn't even have enough time to enjoy her. Her first episode happened in the middle of the night, right after he finished worshiping her body. In the beginning, he thought the breathlessness was due to a very rough, very satisfying round of sex. But the shortness of breath kept going, and the deep breaths she was taking weren't helping. She started to panic when she couldn't calm herself down, and the pain intensified. She felt like her heart would give up any second now, and a part of her believe it was due to the guilt she was currently feeling. She should have been honest with him, should have told him why she was here, before he disappeared in thin air. But she got caught up in the moment, with strong, lean arms protecting and caressing her, soft, yet demanding lips trying to make for forget the world.

He made her feel alive, fell clean. Even loved. Too many years of built up energy between them to slow down. They were frantic, she was frantic, his touches lightning a fire inside her she was not able to deny. She should have paced herself, she knew the risks. But she was so far gone that she let him consume her. Until she was not able to breathe anymore.

"Jesus, you weren't kidding when you said you needed, my help" He told her.


	2. Enough was enough

**A/N: This was in the back of my mind for some time now. Although I'm a die hard Auggie fan, someone had to show us what had happened those four months before any got back from the cold. Not a one shot anymore. ;)**

 _Enough was enough. It's been three weeks_ , he thought. Three weeks since he took her to bed, and three weeks since he collapsed on him. Which would make three weeks since they were both ignoring the elephant in the room: it was 5 am, and he was half way through his running regimen. This was the third coffee shop he spotted today, and thought about her. Well, he could stop to get her coffee on his way back. He knew how much she appreciated her coffee and pastries in the morning; maybe it would put her in a good mood. He was starting to get a hang of her moods… After all, she was here, at his house, wearing his clothes, eating his food, and emptying his alcohol stock for three fucking weeks. Every time he tried to talk to her, she deflected. Usually, she would get up and come back with a bottle of beer. She made it pretty clear she didn't want to talk: she didn't want to talk about her health condition, she didn't want to talk about what happened between them, she didn't want to talk about what led her to him. She didn't want to talk, period. If it was one of the really bad days, she would trade the bottle of beer for a bottle of whiskey. The only bottle left untouched was the bottle of Tequila.

He looked at his clock, and changed streets, deciding to add another lap today; he still had some pent up energy to burn. Just thinking about Annie was enough to make his stomach churn, and those damn coffee shops always made him think about her. He tried to gather all information he had on her again: Her mission was over; she was still presumed dead, she was still in the dark. He thought about reaching out to Auggie again, but the one time he mentioned his name, on week one, was the night she emptied a bottle of his favorite vodka. He added Auggie to the list of things they were not discussing.

Well, reason number one was Auggie. Let's go to reason number two: Wilcox was dead. Sure, he heard all about the demise of Henry Wilcox by the hands of Jessica Mattews. That was another topic she didn't want to discuss. That leaves reason number 3: she was still presumed dead, blacklisted by the CIA.

Eyal sensed that all of those things were intrinsically connected to one another, and if he managed to make her talk about one of them, he'd get her to talk about all of it. It was clear to him that she needed a break, even clearer that she intended to drink herself to numbness to get that break. And whatever was wrong with her – probably her heart, if his medical training counted for anything – would not benefit from the binge drinking.

He had to do something, and she probably was not going to like any of this options. He stopped to get some air, standing outside his favorite bakery, and made up his mind. She may hate him afterwards; he understood the risks very well. One does not survive in his line of work not being good at risk assessment. However, it was the only way to get through her defenses. She came here for his help, and he was going to help her, or die trying. The image of Annie putting a bullet through him was almost amusing. Almost. He got in line, and while he waited his turn, he went through his plan again. He got the pastries, the coffee, and walked out with a brand new attitude.

He got home, left the food over the counter in the kitchen and got into the shower. He went through what was he was going to do a third time in his mind. Just thinking about it made that slow fire in the pit of his stomach come alive. He turned off the hot water. Yeah, she would hate him, but he would finally take what he wanted. Three weeks was enough time to make him crazy, out of his mind. Maybe that was why he decided to go through with it. He had to be out of his mind to think it would work. He turned the cold water off, wrapped a towel around his waist, and silently stalked to the kitchen.

Annie was sitting at the counter, sipping her coffee, still wearing the very large t-shirt –his favorite t-shirt, mind you –she uses as a camisole, when she looked up and almost spit most of the coffee out. Ever since _that_ night, he was being extremely polite and careful around her. He didn't want to overstep any boundaries and he didn't want to make her uncomfortable. Which was exactly how she was feeling right now, seeing him half naked on his own kitchen, water dripping all over his body. Her mouth went dry, her stomach dropped. She remember that night she collapsed in his arms, in his bed, as if it was yesterday. Her feelings were all over the place for a while now. She liked him, even loved him, in a mostly platonic way. She knew there was possibility here. They could be something. If only she could manage to let herself be something. A part of her even wanted him, wanted this, but deep down she knew to whom her heart belonged to, and she didn't want to go back there. Not now. Probably never. Starting something right now was not an option: that wouldn't be fair to any of them.

She was so preoccupied ogling him, and trying to clear her mind, that she didn't noticed his eyes going dark as a result of her response to his near nakedness; she didn't notice how close to her he has gotten until she was in his arms. She started to struggle, needing to put some distance between them, but he only held her tighter. Locked in his arms, all those confusing feelings coming to surface, she looked in his eyes, and pleaded:

"Please, Eyal. Just… please." She started, but the intense look on his face made her avert her eyes. She couldn't think, couldn't move. She just stood there, waiting for her training to rear its head, waiting for that second nature will to scape her assailant to come to surface. Only it didn't.

"Please, what, Annie?" He asked, his voice rougher that he expected. This was getting out of hand. If she asked him to let go of her, he didn't know if he'd be strong enough to do that. Not when he finally decided to just take his chance, consequences be damned. He had to kiss her, he had to taste her again. "What do you want? What do you need?"

But before she was able to answer his question, his lips touched hers, and all hell broke loose inside of her. Something broke inside of her, and she just… she just took the fall. She kissed him back with equal measure, not caring if this was right or wrong. She came here for a reason, and even if it weren't for this, for the sex itself, if she hadn't collapsed in his arms that night, they would still be sleeping together anyway. This, this thing between them, was like trying to stop a roller coaster in the middle of the steepest fall: you cannot stop, you cannot get out, you have to ride it out, to see it through. So she did.

The minute he felt her yielding, he picked her up, and she wrapped her legs around his waist. In no time at all, he maneuvered them across the kitchen into his bedroom, and placed her on the bed. He removed her t-shirt, and tossed it across the room, leaving her only in her panties. That and his towel were the only thing between them right now, and he intended to leave at least one of those in place, otherwise, he'd be inside her too soon. He wanted to savor the moment, to make it last, but Annie got rid of the towel before he could say something, and fisted her hand around him, sending him to a feverish state of desire, where going slow was the last thing on his mind, and his carefully laid plan was out the window.

He managed to stop her before he got too far gone, and their first time was a blur. He was so wrapped up in her magic that it was hard to separate first time and second time. They were both fast, and hard. It was all about the need. He needed to touch her, to brand her, to make her his.

They were at the beginning of round three before he remembered what he needed to do. As wonderful as being with Annie was, he knew that it wouldn't fix her. She was on autopilot now, letting her body take the lead, but burying her heart. He needed to make her feel, really feel, beyond desire, beyond the raw need. He took her arms, and held them over her head with one hand, as his other hand took her face, and made her look at him.

"Open your eyes, Neshama." He demanded. He was hovering over her, poised at her entrance. "Look at me". He repeated, as he applied the slightest pressure, so she'd know he meant it. "I want you to look into my eyes, while I love you". He said, putting aside the needs of his own heart, his own happiness. He could have said _while I have you_ or even _while I fuck you_ , but he deliberately used the L word. The truth is he did love her. He _really_ did. He had so many scars; one more would not break him. He has gotten used to them, anyway. This, the few months that would take to fix Annie, would have to be enough. "I want you to feel all of it. I want you to feel it when I kiss you" his lips softly touched hers, "I want you to feel it when I touch you" his hand left her face, and travelled down her body, touching her, worshiping her. "I want you to feel it when I make love to you". He moved into her. "I _need_ you to see me, Neshama." _Only me_ , he silently added. _No one else._ "I need you to feel it too. Do you? Can you feel it?" He slowly withdrew, and moved into her again.

"No, no Eyal. Please, don't say that" She asked him. This was too much. Sure, she wanted him, but not like that. She was no good for him. For no one, really. She needed the release he brought to her, she needed to feel free, to release the tension. She needed his help. She didn't need, nor want his love. She couldn't bear it.

"I love you, Annie. I _love_ you." He said, as he repeated the action. Slowly. Agonizingly slow. He could feel she was not ready to listen, so decided to show her until she was. He would speed up a little, driving her to the brick, and retreat. Then speed up again. Over and over again. "I love you" He tried again, more forcefully this time. He was close, and he needed her to listen to him this time. _Really_ listen. "I love you".

"Don't do this. Please, don't do this." She pleaded. "I can't, I… I can't". Tears streamed down her face. The walls started to crumble. That moment, Eyal let go. He set up a fast pace, riding her fast and hard, like the first two times. It was too much for Annie, and she exploded around him, her defenses shattered. He came, chanting her name, chanting his love for her. He must have said it a thousand times. A million times. He knew she was openly crying now, and it broke her heart too. But that's what he set out to do today.

Eyal lovingly held her in his arms while she cried.

She cried until there were no more tears, until she was empty: empty of rage, empty of sorrow, empty of feelings. She cried until the numbness left her. She cried for what she became, for what she did, for what she lost. And when there was nothing left, she heard him. He loved her, and that warmed her heart. He loved her, and she took this feeling as a lifeline, and came back of the darkness. She didn't know if this was right, or wrong, or if it would last, but she needed him. He was the only one who could put her back together, and let her go, when the time came. She knew he would end up hurt. She _knew_ it. She tried to stay away, to leave it at the carnal level, to avoid feelings. She really tried. She wanted to leave her heart out of it, leave his heart out of it.


	3. Doctor's appointment

**A/N: This was in the back of my mind for some time now. Although I'm a die hard Auggie fan, someone had to show us what had happened those four months before any got back from the cold. Most of the dialogue from this chapter is from Season 5 "Silence Kit". But the rest is all mine. Not a one shot anymore. ;)**

He watched her as she slept. She was wearing his favorite shirt as a camisole, her hair was all mused, and her eyes were swollen because of all the crying. She couldn't have looked more beautiful. Still, he watched her sleep with a heavy heart, for making her cry the way she did. But deep down, he knew that this was good for her soul. It was the only way he knew of making her start to feel again, to start healing. She was spent, he noticed, and couldn't hide the smirk, full of male satisfaction, of knowing he was the one who wore her out. He knew he should feel bad for using her, for sleeping with her, when it was clear that she was still in love with someone else. He's been known to be selfish, but not with her, never with her. He loved her too much to be selfish with her. But he was a man, and he had wanted her for a long time. And, in the end, he was the one who was going to have his heart broken when she left. Because she would leave, eventually.

He looked at the clock on this nightstand, and sighed. He didn't want to wake her up, because she needed to rebuilt her strength, and sleep was one way to do that. And he was not talking about physical strength here. Aside from what he was fairly certain was a heart condition, she was in top shape. However, the strain of what she had done, of what she had lost, had taken a toll on her, and had worn her down to the point of exhaustion. She had not been sleeping well for a long time, and after the sex marathon from last night, he wanted to let her sleep in.

Well, five more minutes. He would let her sleep for a bit more. She asked him to fix her, and last night was just the beginning. Making her start to feel again was just the beginning. The second step was finding out what was wrong with her, why she collapsed on him that first night. He looked at the clock again, and when he decided to wake her up, she started to stir.

"Hey, how are you feeling, Neshamá"? He asked, playing with a strand of her hair. "There's coffee in the kitchen, but after breakfast, I'd like to talk to you."

"Hum? About what?" She asked, trying to get her bearings. Her body felt like rubber, and her mind was still foggy. She felt… good, and it was such a foreign feeling nowadays that it scared her a little. The sex, the sex had been amazing. Aside from that night in Hong Kong, her last night with Auggie, she had never felt so much, such raw emotion. She struggled to reign her thought, and pay attention to Eyal.

"I'd like to run some tests." He said, tucking that strand of hair behind her ear, and giving her his hand to help her up. He walked her to the kitchen, and sat her on a stool. She took the cup of coffee he offered her, and drank it quietly. She had come for his help, partially because she trusted him, and knew he would never turn her back on her. And partially because he was a doctor. Well, almost a doctor. He still had his medical degree, even if he didn't practice. When she finished her coffee, she nodded, and told him she was ready.

It took him a while to find his medical kit, so she was left alone for a while in the kitchen. It gave her enough time to think about last night. She had a feeling it was not going to be a 'once in a life time' kind of thing. And she didn't know how she felt about it. She always knew that there was this possibility to them. They were well matched after all. She was getting flustered just thinking about it. She heard him coming back to the kitchen, and did her best to compose herself.

"Can you believe my mother wanted to throw out my old med-school kit? Said I'd never put my medical skills to use." He said, making small talk. He could see Annie was nervous, but he had a feeling it was not about her eminent check-up. "If she could see me now."

"You cannot tell your mother about this." Annie smiled, a real smile for a change."

"Of course not, neshama." He smiled back. There it was, that smile. She was already healing, "So that scar on your chest- is that from that Russian double?" He asked, lightly touching it with his fingertips. Just the thought of him and Auggie getting her out of that Russian nightmare was enough to make him shudder.

"Yeah…" She said, not really in the mood to talk about that. What happened in Russia happened a long time ago. She didn't want to think about that, it was over and done, dealt with and buried deep. She had lost a piece of herself after that, and many more pieces since then. "So, what do you think it is?"

He sighed, not liking what he was about to say. "I don't know exactly, but I know enough to know it's serious." He paused. "I'd like to bring in a cardiologist."

"A cardiologist?" she asked. Now she was afraid. Deep down, she suspected this was a heart condition. She thought back to the first time it happened. She was running, on the beach, like she did a thousand time, when she felt something on her chest. She thought she was just out of breath; after all, there was not a lot of time for fitness when you're on the run. But something was not right. It hurt, and it went deeper with each breath. Every heartbeat was like a knife. She couldn't breathe. She just collapsed.

"Yes, my friend Avram. He did much better than I did at Haifa." He smiled again, trying to put her at ease. "Don't worry. He's trustworthy." He took her hands in his. "Your secret is safe, neshama."

"I know. It's just. All this, it makes me feel weak, and not showing weakness is…" she started, but he interrupter her.

"It's like second nature, I know. But you came after me, and you asked for my help, right?" He released her hands. He wanted to kiss her, but thought it was too soon after last night. They needed to talk about that before going down that road again.

"You once told me that it didn't matter if I could trust you or not, that the only thing that mattered was whether or not I could use you to complete my mission. Well, I thought I could use your help. I just didn't know how to go about it." She said. But they were past the trust issues. She trusted him completely. It was as simple as that. She trusted him with her safety, she trusted him with her body, and she trusted him with her heart. Both figuratively and metaphorically.

"Do you? Trust me to take care of you? To put you back together?" He asked her, point blank.

"I wouldn't still be here if I didn't." She smiled, but she felt bad almost instantly. She felt like she _was_ using him, using his feelings for her, for her own advantage. She had no choice; she had nowhere else to go. She needed him, and well, she would have to deal with the consequences later.

"Ok, then. So, let's see if Avram can fit you in today." He said, and went searching for his phone.

As it turned out, he could. And they didn't even had to wait that long. Avram would see Annie at lunch. So, they enjoyed a bit of sun, strolling down the streets, just relaxing a bit. They walked side by side, holding hands, like they were a couple, but that was as far as it went between them.

At lunch time, he marched her to Avram's office, and left her alone to talk with the doctor and do the tests. He wanted to go with her, to be with her when she heard the news, when she did the tests, but he felt that she needed the privacy. She needed to do that on her on. So he waited for her at the waiting room, reading a magazine. He put the magazine down when he heard her come out of his office, a big folder on her hands.

"I had the full panel. He kept it discreet- no names, no forms, no questions." She told him, and gave him the results to read.

"Myocarditis?" He asked, looking at her. Damn it. He was hoping it would be something easier.

"It's an infection of the cardiac muscle tissue." She explained, not really noticing that it was a rhetorical question. After all, he had gone to medical school.

"No, I know what it is. So I was correct about the scar tissue." He said, putting the folder in the side table. He sat down again, and motioned for her to do the same. They were sitting very close together, and just the feel of his body, of his strength, was enough to give her strength to continue. She took a deep breath, and went on with her explantion.

"It's spread to my mitral valve, but Avram says it can be managed with nitrate injections." She said. He could hear the hope in her tone of voice, and had a feeling she didn't know the amount of trouble she was in.

"Well, what about surgery? We have all the best surgeons here in Israel." He said, the doctor in him was already thinking about all the options.

"Surgery comes with its own set of risks." Annie said, as if she had already made up her mind.

"You know what I think? I think this is a gift. I think this is your way out." Eyal said, even though he knew that this was the last thing she would want to hear. Yeah, he was right, the fire returned to her eyes instantly.

"How can you say that with a straight face?" She asked hotly. He could not be serious. He knew, he _knew_ how much being in the field meant to her.

"Every spy always talks about getting out before it's too late. No one ever does." He answered, and she knew he was right. No one ever does.

"Where would I go?" She asked. All she had left was her life as an operative. That was exactly why she decided to come to him, to search for help away from the Agency. Because the job was all that was left. Her sister thinks she's dead, the Agency thinks she's a traitor. She's already lost Auggie, and was positive he was better without her. If she didn't have this, she would have lost everything.

"Anywhere you like- a mountaintop, the beach. You can use my boat if you want." He said, and his heart broke at the sight of her despair. Yeah, she had already started to heal, but she still had a long way to go. She still needed his help putting her back together. He pulled her to him, touched her cheek again, and let his hand travel to her neck, to keep her in place. "Stay here in my house." He said, and kissed her, gently. "Stay here with me. Let me help you."


	4. Finding a bit of happiness

**A/N: This was i** **n the back of my mind for some time now. Although I'm a die hard Auggie fan, someone had to show us what had happened those four months before any got back from the cold. Most of the dialogue from this chapter is from Season 5 "Silence Kit". But the rest is all mine. Not a one shot anymore. ;)**

* * *

She tried to stay away from him after that first night, and she managed to do that for a couple of days, a week, maybe. She thought about his proposal, she thought about staying with him, letting him help her. Maybe she could do it, maybe she could have a life, a good life, here with him. But could she just disappear like that, give up her old life? Well, she already did it once, although Auggie was not left in the dark. He knew that she faked her death to become Jessica Mattews. She thought about Joan and Arthur, about Auggie, about Danielle. Could she just let them believe she was dead? Well, Danielle already believed that, but she knew that Auggie would not stop searching for her, would never believe she was dead until there was a body to bury. After all, she did what she did to help them, right? Killing Wilcox was a way of ensuring their safety: she made sure that Arthur, Joan, Calder, and Auggie were safe, before she went to Israel, and that was enough for her, for now. She also knew that, if they knew she was not dead, if they knew where she was, they would come for her, and then, her time with Eyal would be over.

She had thought, at the beginning, that she was putting herself together for the Agency, to be able to get back to work, because she thought field work was her life. But now, after a few days in Eyal's care, she was doing it for her, not for the Agency. It was a strange feeling, not to care what would happen to her. They could have her back, or she could go to the private sector, it really didn't matter: the important thing is that she would be safe, and healthy. She though back to that day at the beach, when she collapsed for the first time, and how far she came since she sought Eyal's help.

Eyal. She closed her eyes, and was washed with memories of that night. She knew she shouldn't have slept with him, but she couldn't help it. It was wrong, so very wrong, because she knew how he felt about her. She knew it was wrong, but she also knew she needed it. She needed to feel in order to reconnect with herself, to feel alive, to function. He was her lifeline right now, and she knew she needed him. Sure, it would be easier to just let go of her old life and stay here with him, never going back, but just because it was easier didn't mean it was right. She had no right to string him along, to play with his feelings. She knew he loved her, even before that night, before he said it aloud. She could have ignored it before, pretend she didn't know. But not after that night, not after he so fervently told her, whispered, shouted his love for her.

After that first night, Eyal gave her some space. He helped her with her exercise regimen, and with her nitrate injections. He fed her, he talked to her, he helped her any way he could, besides the obvious: he hadn't tried to kiss her again, or get her into his bed. Sure, he wanted to, had not been able to stop thinking about it. But he knew she was trying to sort some things in her mind, and before she did it, he would give her space. They ran together, swum together, ate together and drank together. He had taken a leave of absence, saying he needed to take care of his family. He did his best to avoid letting Rivka know that Annie was in Israel, and was positive that he was successful. Rivka was sure that, after Eyal took the blame in that al Masri business, he and Annie were through. He had quit Mossad, two times after that, but she kept pulling him back when she needed him. And even though he swore he would never go back, he eventually did. Because this is what he did best. He was a spy, plain and simple. He never trusted Rivka after that, but he trusted his instincts, and his actions. He could trust his training, even if he could not, ever again, trust his superiors.

Most nights, she would talk about going dark, the things she had to do to survive, to get rid of Henry Wilcox. She talked about how she felt, what she did, what she lost in the process. She told him how it all begun, how Seth's death, even if it was self defense, had started her in this downward spiral of destruction. She talked about how she used Sana Wilcox, after he gave her the file Mossad had on the woman. She talked about how Wilcox killed Teo, right before her eyes, and how that fact spurred her on. She talked about Helen, how she was a deciding factor when she broke up with Auggie and when she decided to fake her death. She talked about how she felt when she discovered they had slept together. She talked about working with her, and how her death took a toll on her, especially because she led Wilcox to believe she, Helen, was Jessica Mattews. She still didn't know why Helen did it, but it gave Annie room to finish him afterwards. She talked about how Helen faked her death, all those years ago, and how it felt to tell Auggie that he lost her again, for real this time. When it was too much for her, when she voice faltered, or when her eyes would be rimmed with unshed tears, he would just hold her, and tell her it would be okay. When she got too quiet, too lost on herself, it would be his time to talk about his demons: his failed marriage, he unspeakable things he did on Mossad's service, including lying to her, taking the fall for Rivka's actions. Those talks were the hardest part of fixing Annie, but it needed to be done. She needed to be able to talk about what she did, and what she saw. It was like draining pus from an infected wound: it hurt like hell, but it needed to be done so the wound would have a chance to heal.

One night, after they drank half a bottle of tequila, she finally talked about Hong Kong, about her last night with Auggie, and hearing her talk about her previous lover almost broke his heart. He had to swallow a bitter laugh when he noticed how alike Auggie and him were, to resort to the same tactics to bring Annie back from the edge. He wanted to tell her that there was no need to keep punishing herself, beating herself up. They were both adults, and Auggie had loved her for a long time. Probably loved her still, and broken or not, he'd rather have her in her life than not have her at all. Eyal did tell her that it was not up to her to decide if Auggie – or him, for that matter - deserved better. She needed to let him decide for himself if she was worth it. And Eyal thought he would walk to hell and back to hunt him down and kill him if he decided that Annie was not worth it. It killed him, broke his heart to do that, but he told her that she needed to get back, to set things right between them. It was the right thing to do.

"You love him, Neshamá. You own it to him, hell, to yourself to make things right, to see this through", he said, taking a lock of her hair between his fingers, a resigned look in his eyes.

Annie was speechless. They have been through a lot, Eyal and her, and she had seen a softer side of him that he rarely shown others. He had help her, time and again, risked his life for her. Bled for her. Wept for her. He saved her life more times than she was comfortable with, and he gave himself to her, even knowing she loved another man. The depths of his selflessness astonished her, humbled her, and warmed her. Without thinking, she dropped the glass of tequila on the ground, wincing when she heard the glass breaking, thinking that they would need to be extra cautious later, to avoid stepping on the glass shards, and rushed to his open arms. She hugged him tightly, and something inside of her stirred, and started to melt the remaining of the ice inside her soul, encasing her heart. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and kissed him, gave herself to him, to his feelings. He made her feel so safe, so loved, she almost wept. But she had already cried too much, even if this time these were tears of joy.

For the first time in a long while, she let herself be taken to bed not because she needed the release, or because she needed to feel, needed the human touch to remind her of her own humanity, but because she felt, because she wanted to. She didn't need to be fixed, she didn't need to be put together. She didn't _need_ to be loved. She just…. Wanted.

"Are you sure, Neshama, that this is what you want?" Eyal asked her, before kissing her again. Sure, she started the first kiss, but he wanted to be sure. When she just took his hand, and pulled him in the direction of her bedroom, he stopped her, and asked her again. She smiled.

"I'm taking you to bed, and I'm going to make love to you this time." She said, thinking about their first time, of how he loved her enough for both of them. Of how he overwhelmed her with his feelings for her, made her feel things she was adamant she would not feel. This time, it would not be so one sided. She might not love him like he loved her, but she loved him enough for this, for giving it a try.

This time, their lovemaking was less frantic, less rushed. The need was there, the desire, the feelings. But it was softer this time. Lighter. Eyal took his time with her, and marveled in the feeling she could evoke in him. He loved her, and this time, he felt that the feeling was less one sided. He knew that she didn't love him, at least not the same way she loved Auggie, or the same way he loved her, but there were feelings there. She gave herself willingly, wanting to be with him, wanting to love him. This, this was a lot simpler, and a lot better for her. This could be her life, if she let i: a man who loved her, cherished her, understood her, to the point that he could give himself to her, and at the same time, let her go. She knew that he loved her enough to tell her to seek her own happiness, even if that meant going back to the States, to Auggie. Right now, that was the exact opposite of what she wanted.

She knew that one day she would need to go back, to face him, and set things right. They might get back together, or they might resume their friendship, it could go either way, but right now, what she wanted, what she needed was Eyal, not Auggie. And she would let themselves be happy for as long as she could.


End file.
